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10 Fixes to Edit Unclear and Wordy Sentences

Apr 21, 2016 | Writing | 8 Comments

“Telling me to ‘Be clear’ is like telling me to ‘Hit the ball squarely.’ I know that. What I don’t know is how to do it.” —Joseph M. Williams

image by weinstock

First, lets look at an unclear, wordy passage.

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Grayson said he’d made a decision not to return to their relationship due to the fact that Ella was unable to change.¹ Hadn’t he seen her establishment of a different approach to her behavior over the last year?² She’d made great improvement in the area of dealing with life’s problems.³

Under the circumstance in which Dr. Peters came to town, Ella’s hope was ignited by him.⁴ It was her belief that Grayson wasn’t aware of the root of her poor attitude, but Dr. Peters was.⁵ Through the patient inquiry method therapy, he showed her how her upbringing had an impact on the way she perceived and reacted to her environment.⁶ He really helped her rise above her past injuries and learn new ways of how to respond to her fears.⁷

Second, lets consider fixes for clearness and conciseness – sentence by sentence. (All 10 fixes are mentioned – a few, multiple times. Fixes are in parentheses.)

Sentence 1.

Watch for the verb make: make a decision (decided); made use of (used); made a correction (corrected).
Avoid wordy phrases: Due to the fact that. (because) Was unable to. (could)

Sentence 2.

Avoid changing verbs into nouns, especially adding –tion — was in need of an estimation, instead of needed to estimate. In our example, we had establishment of a different approach (rewrite with strong verbs)

Sentence 3.

Watch for the word make: made great improvement (improved).
Avoid vague, encompassing noun phrases: in the area of dealing with (remove the unnecessary phrase the area of.)

Sentence 4.

Avoid wordy phrases: Under the circumstance in which (when)
Use active voice. Watch for the word by. Her hope was ignited by him (he ignited her hope)

Sentence 5.

Limit it is, there is, and there are: It was her belief that (in the example, the phrase was unnecessary)
Avoid wordy phrases: Wasn’t aware of (didn’t understand; or didn’t realize)

Sentence 6.

Avoid strings of nouns: patient inquiry method therapy (through asking probing questions)
Avoid inflated words: an impact on (affect) (more examples: facilitate (help); cognizant of (know))

Sentence 7.

Delete weasel words: really helped (helped) (more examples: very unique; quite nice)
Avoid unnecessary prepositional phrases: of how to respond to her fears (to face her fears) (See post about reducing of.)

Finally, lets look at a possible rewrite.

image by geralt

Grayson refused to reconcile their relationship, because he believed Ella could never change. What did he think she’d been tackling this past year? She’d turned her life around.

When Dr. Peters came to town, he ignited Ella’s hope. Grayson misunderstood the root of her poor attitude, but Dr. Peters recognized the source. Through asking probing questions, he revealed how her upbringing had affected the way she perceived and reacted to her environment. Over time, he helped her forgive old injuries and learn new ways to face her fears.

10 Ways to improve wordy & unclear sentences. Click to tweet.

Which tip will improve your sentences?

What 5 Experts Say About Writing Story Settings

Apr 14, 2016 | Writing | 8 Comments

“Many early-career authors treat setting as merely an element of the background – an incidental necessity, maybe, but a tertiary craft concern when compared to plot or character development or dialogue.”
—Jacob M. Appel “Know Your Place” Writer’s Digest November/December 2013

image by KreativeHexenkueche

Let’s get started:

Jacob M. Appel – “Know Your Place” (Writer’s Digest November/December 2013).

Appel holds:

Stories should reveal the setting by the second sentence unless there’s a convincing reason not to.

Stories should be set in places the writer understands well. The slightest errant details jar readers. He reminds writers that what’s familiar to them may be exotic to readers.

image by Unsplash

Authors must do three things:

º Orient the reader – don’t waste the reader’s energy in his trying to figure out where he is. (See this post on grounding the reader.)

º Awe the reader – with knowledge of accurate plants, animals, architecture, furniture, and “distinctive diction and syntax.” Appel says, “The magic lies in the subtle details, not the strange environs.”

º Trap the reader – Appel suggests that a passage describing a setting is an easy way to slow the pace to build suspense, or anticipation of a surprise.

Dwight V. Swain – Techniques of the Selling Writer.

Swain instructs writers to remember these key points about setting.

The reader has not been there. So, Swain says to paint the setting in full color and enough pertinent details to bring the setting alive for the reader.

image myMarionF
The world is sensory. Swain says to build the setting through what’s seen, heard, smelled, touched, and tasted. He says analogies are particularly important – perceived likenesses between two things using metaphors or similes.

The world is subjective. Depending on the characters’ objectives, attitudes, and pasts, they’ll react to their surroundings in unique ways.

3. Renni Browne and Dave King. Self-Editing for Fiction Writers.

Browne and King suggest that, because most of today’s readers prefer more concise literature, writers should give readers only enough detail to assist them in imagining the setting for themselves

I don’t think this’s necessarily contrary to what Appel and Swain have said. I interpret Browne and King to say setting is important, but don’t bore the reader with details they can already picture.

James Scott Bell – Plot & Structure.

Bell asks, in the reader’s behalf, if the writer can take him some place he’s never been before, to bring life to the plot. Bell says the place doesn’t have to be far from home.

Bell advocates parting from the predictable to some place fresh. He mentions the overdone example of lovers-to-be talking in a restaurant.

Debra Dixon – GMC: Goal, Motivation and Conflict.

Dixon says the setting is important to heighten conflict. If the setting is at odds with the tone of a story, she suggests the writer will have hard work ahead to develop a mood of tension.

She gives examples of good and bad settings for dark suspense. Good: the rainy Northwest or New Orleans with its swamps, graveyards, and secrets. Bad: Disney World, and for a romantic comedy, Ethiopia.

Consider these experts perspectives when writing your story settings. Click to tweet.

As a reader, what’s important to you about setting?

Use These Moviemaker Wisdoms to Bring Your Novel’s Scenes to Life

Apr 7, 2016 | Writing | 2 Comments

“The style, technique and methods used in film and TV are so familiar to us, we process them comfortably. To some degree, we now expect these elements to appear in the novels we read – if not consciously, then subconsciously.” —C. S. Lakin

image by pashminu

I read, “Writing a Novel? 6 Visual Storytelling Techniques to Borrow From Film and TV” by C. S. Lakin on The Write Life blog.

Among other things, Lakin’s suggestions showed me how to stop inserting senses into a scene, and making them part of the experience.

I invite you to read Lakin’s blog. Here’s what I did from Lakin’s suggestions.

1. I broke my ho-hum scene into segments like a movie director does. Each segment represented a key moment:

opening “shot,”
moments when something important happened,
and the high moment before the end.

2. Then for each segment, I imagined where my camera needed to be:

where my character physically is as she sees and reacts to what’s happening,
zooming in close for details and zooming out for a wider perspective.

image by And_Graf

Example: My hero and heroine sit in a Christmas Eve midnight service.

In my heroine’s point of view, I zoomed out and saw two pastors bring flames from the altar to the congregation. They start the chain in which people in the pews pass the flame to their neighbors’ candles.

Then I zoomed my lens in on the hero beside her. He whispers in her ear something she doesn’t expect. I zoomed in closer as she studies his profile and has an epiphany about him.

3. Next I considered background noise, instead of trying to think of sounds I could insert.

In my example scene, the only sounds in the draft version were the hero’s whispering in the heroine’s ear and the congregation singing “Silent Night.” I sat in the pew with her in the opening segment and listened. Ah. Soft organ music played.

In another segment, I heard a man’s cough farther back in the sanctuary. And when the candles glow in the dark before “Silent Night” is sung, I noticed the silence.

In a segment when the hero and heroine walk home, I heard the hum of a car passing.

image by tpsdave

4. Next, I colored my scene. Not inserting colors so much as seeing them in my segments.

In one segment, considering what some colors imply, I sat in the pew and saw the red carpet on the stairs the pastors climb to the altar to light candles. In a zoom, I saw the white candle in the heroine’s hand.

5. Finally, I looked for textures of weather or atmosphere.

While inside the church, I remembered from past Christmas Eve services how I loved when the lights were dimmed and only the glowing candles emitted a warm and meaningful light.

image by Antranias

On their walk home, it’s snowing. I saw the snow gathering on the hero’s hair and eyelashes. I felt snowflakes cold on the heroine’s face, making her lower her head against them.

The items I added to the scene were those I visualized through my camera. They weren’t the plot or action, but they brought what surrounds the action alive.

Get out your camera and see what needs to be added to your scene. Click to tweet.

What might your camera see in the scene you’re working on as you zoom in and out?