Try this exercise and see if you can improve the example below containing weak words and phrases. You’ll replace them with stronger words, cut wordiness, and add power words to spice up the piece. Have fun.
First, read the flavorless paragraph.
The Weak Passage
I went out on the balcony to get away from Edgar. On the next balcony over, Clare was up on a table and looked very much like she was ready to jump over the railing. Was she trying to get back at me for winning a fight with Edgar? I was really afraid that she’d make the leap before I could get from my place to her balcony. But I tried my best and got up on my railing. I almost lost my balance on the railing and fell myself. Finally, I jumped to her railing and then to the floor.
“What are you doing?” she asked. “You could have fallen.”
“I’m saving you,” I said.
“I’m just getting a better look at the view,” she said.
I couldn’t believe I’d been so tricked by appearances.
Problem Words and Phrases
Next, see what you can do with the following words and phrases to make the excerpt more interesting to the reader. Also, can you add some power verbs and nouns?
- Balcony (repetitions)
- railing (repetitions)
- on the next balcony over
- was up on a table
- very much like
- ready to jump over
- trying to
- get back at me
- winning a fight
- was really afraid that
- make the leap
- could get
- my place
- I tried my best
- got up on
- fell myself
- jumped to
- said, asked, said
- just getting a better look at
- couldn’t believe
- been so tricked by appearances
An Improved Passage
To escape know-it-all Edgar, I stepped onto my terrace. On the adjacent balcony, Clare stood on a table, poised to dive over the railing. Was this her revenge for the beating I’d given Eric?
Frantic she’d plunge to her death before I could race to the corridor and enter through her door, I perched on my banister like a raven. I teetered, planted a steadying hand on the stone wall, and pictured my bloody body flattened on the street. Gritting my teeth, I stretched one leg to her railing, shifted my weight, and hauled my other foot next to its mate. I dropped to her verandah.
Clare turned and faced me. “What are you doing? Your stunt was crazy and dangerous.”
Like a cat stalking its prey, I crept toward her. “I’m saving you.”
She swept her hand across the skyline. “I’m improving my vantage of the view, silly man.”
I collapsed into a patio chair. How stupid could I be?
A short exercise to improve a wordy passage that has weak words and phrases. Click to tweet.
I invite you to include your rewrite in the comments.
Amanda Larrowe’s lack of trust sabotages her relationships. The English teacher and award-winning author of middle-grade adventure books for boys has shut off communication with friends and family to meet her January 2 book deadline. Now, in the deepest snow accumulation Richmond, Virginia has experienced in years, Camden Lancaster moves in across the street. After ten years, her heart still smarts from the humiliating aftermath of their perfect high school Valentine’s Day date. He may have transformed into a handsome, amiable man, but his likeability doesn’t instill trust in Amanda’s heart. When Cam doesn’t recognize her on their first two encounters, she thinks it’s safe to be his fair-weather neighbor. Boy is she wrong.
Thank you, that was very helpful.
You are welcome, Jann. Thank you, for stopping by.
I didn’t actually write out a rewrite, but I was thinking of replacements as I read. This was fun, Zoe. I love your posts!
I’m glad you played, Patti.