“Avoid on-the-nose writing.” —Jerry Jenkins

Here’s a passage from a book published in the 20’s: The Marriage of Barry Wicklow by Ruby M. Ayres. It contains 7 problems that bog the story for today’s reader. I’ve superscripted instances with the problem numbers from the list after the passage.

There was^1,7 a moment of silence. Barry was looking^2,7 at her with eager eyes. In a man’s indefinite way he was realizing^2,7 vaguely^3,4 that she had⁵ changed a great deal since he last saw her, though he hardly knew how or in what way.

Her hair was⁷ differently⁴ dressed. Her clothes were⁷ different³. There was^1,7 something—a sort of flippancy about her whole manner that turned him cold.

“Good afternoon,” she said composedly⁴. She pushed forward a chair.

“Won’t you sit down?”⁶ Barry was remembering^2,7 how Hulbert had said⁵ that she blushed whenever she was⁷ spoken to. There was^2,7 no sign of agitation in her face now. Her blue eyes met his dispassionately⁴.

She was⁷dressed all in black, but such smart black, that somehow she did not look as if she were⁷ in mourning. Barry, glancing at her hands, saw that she no longer wore his ring, that she wore no rings at all.

He ignored the chair she had offered⁵. He went straight to his point.

“I’ve been⁷ talking to Hulbert—you know Hulbert. He tells me you are⁷ going on the stage under the management of that – that man Greaves.”

He spoke a little breathlessly⁶. “Well,” said Hazel. “What if I am⁷?”

“I won’t have it, that’s all,” Barry answered excitedly⁴. “You’re⁷ my wife, and I won’t have it³, I tell you³! The stage is⁷ no place for you. I told you when I first met you that I hated it. I repeat it now³, and I forbid you—I absolutely forbid you³—to have anything to do with it or that man Greaves³.”

7 Problems

1. Weak opening “there was” surfaces three times.
2. Progressive tense isn’t necessary and slows the pace; past tense works.
3. Repetitive thoughts and dialogue mirror reality but bog down the story.
4. Some adverbs are unnecessary or telling.
5. Perfect past tense jars actions into “history.” Past tense works.
6. Sentences placed in the wrong paragraphs.
7. Sixteen forms of “to be” used.

One Rewrite

For a moment neither spoke. Barry scanned her lithe form. Since he last saw Hazel, what made her now seem like a stranger? For one thing, she wore her hair upswept and severer than the soft curls that once embraced her face.

Hazel’s gaze from her half-lidded eyes met his. “Good afternoon.” She shoved a chair forward. “Won’t you sit down?”

Her flippancy iced his heart. What had happened to what Hulbert called the blushing woman? And, outfitted in her elegant ensemble, all in black, she didn’t look as if she was in mourning.

Barry glanced at her hands. She no longer wore his ring. She wore no rings at all.

He sidestepped the chair she offered. “I’ve been talking to Hulbert—you know Hulbert. He tells me you plan to go on the stage under the management of that—that man Greaves.”

Hazel arched an eyebrow. “What if I am?”

“You’re my wife, and I won’t have it!” Barry chopped the air. “The stage is no place for you. I told you when I first met you that I hated it. I forbid you to have anything to do with it—or with Greaves.”

Avoid these 7 habits that drain readers. Click to tweet.

What habits are you trying to break in your writing?